A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
Randomize
