My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
I want to pinterest what I want to do with my pubes. Why isn't there a board for that?!
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I probably shouldn't be taking relationship advice from my side piece...
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
