Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Randomize
