Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Jerking off has been your answer to everything tonight.
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
