I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
"WHAT IS THIS LESBIAN MADNESS"
The cops asked Ben if he was drunk and he slurred "I'm man enough to admit that I am" with a southern draw
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
