I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
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