I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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