Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Totally thought something squeezed my boob. Then I remembered I was wearing a bra. Isn't weed great?
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
