I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
Basically, I'm sure one day I'll look back on this part of my life and be ashamed....
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
