I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
All I see when I think of you are dancing penis angels around your head.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Randomize
