I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I can't help the fact that i'm turned on by white boys that look like Jesus
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Some guy just walked past the bus stop in a lab coat and with a samurai sword and case...
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
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