Your face is a jimmy john
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
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