I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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