Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
Was it just me or did you also find it awkward when "glad you came" started playing on pandora right after you finished?
this st patricks day sucks
ill send jameson via bank tube 150+ miles
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize