I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.
i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Cops just came and got two guys out of my class. I can't do college. Seriously cannot rage at this school anymore.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
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