I looked at my own cervix.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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