if i can run in heels then i can drive
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
going on fb and having 11 notifications all from you is absolutely horrifying
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
