we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
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