apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
My Sexting was not on an AP level
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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