We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Every morning i wake up and check his twitter like a horoscope
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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