Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
if i cared i wouldnt have woken you up by pouring a bottle of soy sauce on you.
is that what this stuff is?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
