i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Nothing says happy valentines day like waking up to a naked man you hooked up with taking a walk of shame
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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