haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
How come ATM is perfectly acceptable, yet not washing your hands after you poo is socially reprehensible?
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
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