I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
she puked ON me while she was on top, worst holiday hookup ever
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I'm dressed in all sequins still at 9:30 in the morning and the worst part is that I actually still fit in in Vegas
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
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