he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
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