I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
I supernannyed him into submission
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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