Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Randomize
