My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
Fiestas. Its like a classier verson of mardi gras.
It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
She stopped me mid sex to ask if she could finish my ramen, I've found the one.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
