im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
so we have roughly decided that hes the dude all the chicks will bang in college, just so he will do their term papers
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
Randomize
