My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
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