I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize
