we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
