You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
so craigslist just dropped their "erotic services" ads. there goes our livelyhood
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
Randomize
