When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
