Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
He kept telling me how extraordinarily clean my ears were.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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