Your face is a jimmy john
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
