I just got invited to go home with a married couple...
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
I think id rather titty fuck an A cup than deal with what happened tonight again. shits depressing
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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