I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
Soap is not a condiment
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
my binge eating and her being stoned all the time has reduced us to a bowl of chinese candies, frozen bacon and a stick of butter, we do however have enough alcohol to start our own liquor store.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Randomize
