I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
Fuck men. I'm going to go eat a package of cookie dough and get fat. I hope I die of salmonella.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
