Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Randomize
