he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
he quoted the bible to break up with me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I'm drinking with a guy who is a bigger asshole than me. We started a contest.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
You got into an extremely loud argument with a juggalo and slapped him, he started crying and everyone cheered.
I remember that, it happened before I started drinking. I thought you said I did something shameful?
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
