I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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