i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
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