i just had sex. the condom broke. we're sleeping in to separate beds. And im in albany
i'm only drinking out of pineapples from now on.
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
