do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
We were gonna go out drinking tonight but she found out she's pregnant so are you free
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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