I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
grilled cheese. we just shotgunned grilled cheese.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
