Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
My grandmother cheats at beer pong and has been rubbing her tainted victory in my face for an hour now.
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
It wasnt until i started dancing that i realized i pissed myself dude. I dont think shes gonna call me back.
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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