I just saw a hot homeless man
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I slept awesome next to you. You're like an electric blanket that I can have morning sex with.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
I thought I came here to hook up, not for a Study Abroad 101 session
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
