You should really figure out how to get me a picture that will pop up on my phone when you call
Just upload a picture of Bea Arthur. That's what my soul looks like these days
It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
This is my life. Enjoy the view
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
