I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I just found out how hard it is to put together a fake Christmas tree with a hangover.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
No. one of us needs a degree and I am already the alcoholic friend. I can't do everything
she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!
because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
Ok she stopped using her fork and knife and is legit eating that steak using her hands.
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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