i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize