my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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