I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
its so sad we are done celebrating 21st bdays everytime one of us turned 21 everyone else got laid
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I just want my paycheck, and my friends. And alcohol and tacos. Is that so much to ask?
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
