I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
Im only slightly posetive that left over guacamole and wine are unacceptable for breakfast at 6.30 am
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
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