You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
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