Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer
Party on wayne
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
Randomize
