my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
what the fuck is a social media consultant, who does she consult for, and how bad is she at it? her facebook account is currently hacked and posting ads for the ipad 2 on my newsfeed
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
IM WEARING A FLAG
So that's a no to the clothes then
FLAG
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
He told me that losing me was the biggest mistake of his life. Of course it was. My tits are incredible and I know more about college football than he does.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
