I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other
and it's going to stay that way
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
he's dressing as a chick for halloween. of course i'm gonna make him get his legs professionally waxed. how is this even a question?
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
Randomize
