You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
