She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Randomize
