Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver
Pedi-lyte stocked
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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