i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
This gyro tastes like lonliness
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
