Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
