Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Drunk and had dance off with 8 year old. Lost. Still drinking
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
how are things with the new girl?
good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Imagine getting a FB inbox "hey I found your ID on the floor of a bar can you send me a mugshot so I can get a second piece of ID made?"
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
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