'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
Randomize
