I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
Ps. I'm slapping the bag. It's an emergency.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
Randomize
