im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
okay pat passed out under dana's car
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
My cat is sitting in the window watching the neighbor's dogs doing it. I think she's lonely too.
Randomize
