Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
We stopped her at 12
12 shots? Or 12 midnight?
Which answer would freak you out less
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.
Keeping it classy as usual I see
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
