This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
Guess whose mug shot is NOT on the Internet anymore?!?!
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
private study room at the lib turned into byob study room. that turned into battle royale and eric impaling his leg on a pen.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
