i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
they esentially rejected my mermaid threesome offer:(
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
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